by Sean Chercover
Inauguration Day approaches, and I simply have nothing to wear. A mind-numbing number of Inaugural Balls this year, so even if I did have something to wear, I'd have a hard time choosing. The "hottest ticket" is the Illinois Inauguaral Ball, but I don't think I can swing that one. I just don't have the clout.
And even if I could swing a ticket, I'm not sure if I'd go. Indulge me for a 'graph, while I insert a serious point into an otherwise completely frivolous post. . .
I happily contributed to President-Elect Obama's campaign, and that got me on his every-time-you-check-your-email-I'm-spamming-you list. During the campaign, I was cool with all the emails. I wanted to be kept current on developments, and I understood the need to continually "hit the list" for more money. But. The campaign is over. And I'm still happy to receive altogether too-many emails, keeping me current on cabinet appointments and such. But emails that beg for money to fund inaugural balls? I mean, are you kidding me? Has anybody on the Obama email team paid any attention to the economic crisis that got him elected? This, to me, represents a major tin ear. Most Americans (and certainly most small-donors who contributed what little they could) are freaking out about the economy, worrying about the future, and counting their pennies. And you want more of our money to help pay for your f**king party?? Wow.
End of rant. Back to frivolity. . .
So, the Illinois Inaugural Ball is a tough ticket. That's because it is too all-encompassing and everyone from The Prairie State wants to attend. But fear not; I have a solution. All we need to do is break Illinois down into subgroups, and have a ball for each. Perhaps you can help me. Here are a few suggestions, to get the ball rolling (pun intended):
The Corrupt Politicians With Brass Balls Ball
Host: Governor Blagojevich (natch).
Guests of Honor: Tony Rezko, Ed "Fast Eddie" Vrdolyak.
Dress: Orange Jumpsuit recommended.
Catering: Bologna sandwiches.
Venue: Club Fed.
The Cheezeborger! Cheezeborger! Ball
Hosts: The Sianis Family, Nick Kapranos, Jeff Magill.
Guest of Honor: Rick Kogan.
Dress: Come as you are, we don't stand on ceremony here.
Venue: Where else? Hubbard & Lower Mich.
The Thanks For Picking A Team And Meaning It Ball
Host: Ozzie Guillen.
Guest of Honor: President-Elect Obama, who will be honored for his honest position as a White Sox fan. We're sick to death of pols who profess deep love for both the Cubs and the Yankees (see, incoming Secretary of State) or profess love of a sport that they don't actually watch (see, incoming Secretary of State, and hundreds of others). If you don't like sports, just say so. And if you do like sports, don't hedge your bets by naming more than one 'favorite' team. You're not gonna lose votes over it. Damn. Cowards.
Dress: Ball cap, polyester jersey.
Catering: Hot dogs, mustard only.
Venue: The Cell.
The Boystown Ball
Hosts: Sister Sledge.
Guests of Honor: Congressman Barney Frank, and Ex-Senator Larry Craig if he's ready to come out.
Dress: Glam. You know this will be the best-dressed ball of them all.
Catering: Wilde Bar & Restaurant (A nice mix of Boystown hepcats and Lakeview breeders).
Venue: Halsted, north of Belmont. Everybody loves a parade.
Okay, those are my Chicago-centric inaugural ball suggestions. Let's hear yours.