Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Welcome to Weenie Nation...

by Sean Chercover

Let's just get this straight, right off the bat...

I AM THE BIGGEST WEENIE IN THE BLOGOSPHERE.

There, I said it.

If you're a regular at The Outfit, you may have noticed the mildly amusing post that occupied this spot is now gone. I removed it, because...

I AM THE BIGGEST WEENIE IN THE BLOGOSPHERE.

See, a friend of mine (not me, really, a friend of mine) told me about something amusing that happened to her at work, and I wrote about it here (with her permission), and then this friend (who may in fact be the biggest weenie in the entire Universe) panicked, convinced that my mildly amusing blog post would lead to her immediate termination.

So, here we are. Because - yes, say it with me...

I AM THE BIGGEST WEENIE IN THE BLOGOSPHERE.

In fact, I feel a little like Henry Limpet, before he became a fish and discovered the power of his "whale-busting thrum."

27 comments:

Naomi Johnson said...

ACME has done what so many companies do because management is, indeed, made up of weenies. There is no doubt in my mind that what happened at ACME is that two or three people got stupid about the over-use of perfumes, aftershaves, what have you. And instead of manning up and talking directly to the people causing everyone else to gasp for oxygen and asthma inhalers, management installs a policy affecting everyone, a policy that is useless because it would have to be enforced by the same weenies who couldn't find their spines in the first place.

Dana King said...

I think Naomi nailed it. "Confrontation" has become a dirty word, though not all confrontations need be unpleasant, and some are necessary.

Spanish Inquisitor said...

It's those damn lawyers, dammit! Always suing poor ACME, making them skittish, afraid of their own shadow. Damn lawyers. Shakespeare was right. I think.

BTW, Sean, I've been meaning to talk to you about your cologne.

Libby Hellmann said...

Aren't peanuts really a legume? The Mouse may be safe.

Sean Chercover said...

Libby - They are a legume, but they are still banned, along with 'real' nuts.

I think you're right, Naomi. It only takes a few spineless weenies to turn us into Weenie Nation.

S.I. - Deep down, you love the way I smell. Don't deny it, I've noticed you sniffing around me.

Hawk3ye said...

I guess my employer isn't so high-falutin' as ACME. Our COO loves to lay on the Glade Potpurri Spray to cover our organic emissions. Luckily, I have just started telecommuting 5/days a week. We'll probably see less of this nonsense as business migrates away from the cubicle farm.

Sean Chercover said...

Hawk3eye - Good point. I've been waiting since the 1980s for telecommuting to really take off. The technology has been here for a while, waiting for corporate management to catch up.

Smart companies who measure employee success by results get it, and are leading the charge.

Dinosaur companies who think employees need to be "watched" don't get it, and are dragging their feet. Dumb, since the culture of babysitter management has led to a pantload of wasted productivity, as employees make themselves "look" busy.

Sigh. If I only ran the world, y'all would be so happy...

Kevin S said...

It gets better -- did anyone see that story out of New Mexico where a man filed a $350,000 lawsuit against a neighbor? The man, who says he suffers from electromagnetic hypersensitivity, said his neighbor was unreasonable in accommodating his condition because she had the temerity to, in her home, use an iPhone, a laptop computer, a wireless router and dimmer switches. As a result of her barbarian ways, the gentlemen endured waves of nausea, vertigo, body aches, dizziness, heart arrhythmia and insomnia.

I'm thinking that Weenie Nation has found its king...

Steerpike said...

God, this is terrifying. I miss the days when people weren't afraid of being infected by their own shadows.

People can't smell clean at an office. Your kid can't take a PBJ to school. What is happening to us?

Dan said...

So, after all these years of breakfasts of leftover pizza and pepsi, followed by a smoke or two during the drive into work, I've actually been immunizing myself against all workplace toxins.

Ha! I'll outlive them all!

(Self delusions are great, aren't they?)

David Terrenoire said...

I know I'm old, but Jesus, we kids didn't wear helmets or sunscreen and ate whatever was put in our lunch boxes, even swapped things with other kids. Horrors!

We smoked cigarettes in utero and had a fetal martini now and then. (I'm not suggesting that's a good thing, BTW)

But after all that childhood abuse, we still fought wars and built buildings and fathered our own squiggly, ten-fingers-and-ten-toes offspring.

There may be a bigger downside to this wave of weeniness than just annoyance. There is some evidence that exposure to hookworms has something to do with immunity to asthma (hear RadioLab's show on Parasites). We have cleaned up our personal environment so much it might actually be harmful to us.

And yet I carry around vast quantities of plastic in my bloodstream and enough damn mercury to take my own temperature.

Gah.

Sean Chercover said...

I think you're right, David. The fact that The Mouse has no allergies and no asthma may not be unrelated to the fact that we have a dog and a cat and our housekeeping skills are, ahem, somewhat casual.

Germs are good for you. Without them, your body cannot build a healthy immune system.

Kevin - love the New Mexico story. Seems there are crazy people everywhere ya look.

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